I've had so many similar discussions with people about intimate relationships. Relationships often offer us our greatest challenges, in so many ways. It's really easy to take things personally in a relationship with someone you love. It’s easy to think when they treat you in a way that hurts, that you’re somehow responsible for it. It's also easy to project our own stuff onto those we love. We can settle for much less than we deserve. We can let things slide, and we don’t communicate our hurt with the other person in the relationship because we somehow justify their behavior, or our own. We can get lost in the drama instead of observing it. And we often allow it to effect our future relationships. We need to take responsibility, and make a decision, a commitment to ourselves, out of self-love, to decide what serves us and what doesn't. Then, we need to do our work to create a shift, maybe it's just in perception, or maybe it's working on opening our hearts again so we can re-connect with ourselves through unconditional love. Peeling back the layers that have become so heavy on our hearts that we can't quite keep it open to ourselves or others.
When we learn to truly love ourselves unconditionally, we learn to honor ourselves. We learn to let go of all that which no longer serves us. We learn that we don’t need to indulge in other peoples dramas, no matter how much we love them, we don’t need to play a part in their story, and they don't need to play a part in ours. When we love ourselves, we have no interest in other people's dramas - or creating our own. We learn to let go of emotions, past experiences, future fears, grudges, relationships and anything else that no longer serves us in this moment.
We have that choice, we have that power, when we ask ourselves: How can I love you best in this moment? Or if that doesn't work for you: What would someone that loves themselves choose in this moment? We either make any given choice out of love, or fear. When we choose with fear it is often due to a repetitive pattern or programming that we've been running with for a while, maybe since childhood. In every moment we have a choice to come from a place of love. It’s a really important mindful self-loving practice, that becomes natural if integrated into your everyday life. Once we are conscious of any self-sabotaging patterns, we can create new positive ones that gradually replace the old ones that don't serve us.
This is relevant in all relationships, with everyone we come into contact with. But for me, this blog, as with all my writings, has been inspired from my personal experience, this time, from intimate relationships. I think everyone that we enter into an intimate relationship with, has something to teach us. There are always lessons to be learnt. That lesson could be as simple as - I know what I do or don’t want now. Or that relationship could stir up a whole lot of emotions from our past that we thought we had dealt with, and gives us the opportunity to acknowledge it, to do our work, and let it go. For me, intimate relationships have been the most intense teachers. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. A wonderful tool for learning, and carving a different path so we don’t get stuck on repeat. The universe has a way of serving us up the same lessons until we learn that of which we need to learn, so we can grow.
Gratefully, the universe recently served me up something really yummy. Which funnily enough, stirred up a whole lot of stuff that I thought was long gone. Fear. I was surprised it came back to visit. Especially since I was feeling so loved up and immersed in new loving bliss. But there it was, and I knew I had to dive in and find out what was going on. I uncovered something that I thought I'd dealt with. I was grateful it came to the surface so I could consciously do my work to let it go.
I was also afraid that I would get hurt again. Mostly I think, because what was unfolding was really beautiful, I was afraid to embrace it completely because of what happened last time I gave my heart away. I promised my heart I wouldn’t do that to it again, I actually felt guilty after the last time, because I had allowed myself to be in a position where I could be hurt. It was a choice I made. One I justified in my mind at the time. I didn’t listen to my intuition - even when it was screaming at me. Love has a way of making you a little blind. So, a new romance scared me, I didn’t want to become blind again. I didn’t want to hurt like that again. Ever. My heart was healed, I was happy, and felt loved and safe - alone. With this new intimacy I had to learn to trust myself, my choices, once again.
I’m so grateful someone has shown me how beautiful it can be to be with someone intimately that is pure sweetness. It’s delicious and a real gift. It has also tested me, which I’m also grateful for, to keep my heart open. I've surrendered to each yummy moment, and given myself permission to enjoy it completely, leading with my heart instead of my mind. Or love instead of fear.
So, my self-loving lesson in this moment is about being present to what is, and not letting past experiences influence or ruin this moment for me. In this moment everything is so damn yummy. I don’t need to taint it with stories created by a busy mind, it is only me that can ruin this bliss for me. It is too easy to get caught up in our thoughts, our stories. What a waste… when what is happening right now is nothing other than blissful. It fascinates me that we can do that to ourselves.
How do we stay present to what is, with an open heart, ready to gratefully give and receive love? With practice; mindful, self-loving practices. Mindful practices that bring us into this moment, that quieten our minds and help us achieve clarity. 99% of the time this moment is pretty awesome, but we taint it with our thoughts, stories, fears derived from past experiences and illusions of the future, instead of simply letting ourselves enjoy it. Our thoughts really can torture us if we aren’t aware that our thoughts are often not true and created from fear.
When my heart is wide open, I give love without attachment, without expectation and it flows beautifully. I don't get caught up in time-wasting what-ifs or thinking about the future. I allow myself to be present with what is, and have faith in what will be. No matter how much we think about the future, we don't know what it holds, and we're not meant to. However experiencing this moment, that's something we can do. This moment is exactly as it's meant to be. And nothing is more beautiful than being present with someone, and with ourselves.
I've also learnt that no matter how much we want to share our love with someone, we can't do it without first making space in our heart. Which means having a clean out, letting go of things that don't serve us, people, and attachments to people that no longer serve us. We need to give ourselves the love we need to heal, so when that next special person shows up, we have space for them in our hearts. Our healed hearts. And we can see them through fresh present eyes, not eyes that are projecting from the past. Yes, self-loving work is required. Re-connecting, re-committing to ourselves with unconditional love and compassion. Accepting where we are at in this moment and being okay with it, knowing that every given moment, situations and circumstances, they are only temporary. Nothing stays the same, including us. We need to do our work, and when we do this, we shift things much quicker, we let go much quicker and we return to our unlimited joy much quicker. But it's a practice. A practice that becomes a lifestyle.
I did this work after my last heartache. It was a hard one at the time due to my circumstances, but it worked. I made space, and now my heart is experiencing such joy, it actually feels like I'm being rewarded by the universe - and I'm extremely grateful, i feel so so lucky. But I know for sure, if I hadn't made space, done my work, my practices and let go, surrendering, having unshakable faith in the unknown, I wouldn't be experiencing this gift of yumminess.
I'm grateful most of all in the knowing that every single thing on my journey, helped me to arrive at this very moment, this very beautiful moment. Everything I've ever experienced, I'm grateful for. Not always at the time of course, but most certainly afterwards. The saying 'everything happens for a reason' and 'everything is as it's meant to be' seems to always ring true for me on my journey. I have faith in this.
We have a choice in every moment. A choice to commit to ourselves, our journey. To listen to our intuition and to take a leap of faith even when it's terrifying. If you want something in your life to be different tomorrow, you need to make changes today, otherwise the universe has a way of putting lessons and situations on repeat until you learn, acknowledge and do your work with them. Today is the only time you can make a change, today exists for you right now. Tomorrow isn't here, yesterday can't be changed. This moment, now, is so powerful. You are so powerful when you connect consciously with yourself, with this moment. Surrendering to this moment takes so much courage, and is so rewarding. It's your choice. Choose love, and have faith that the universe always delivers just what we need, when we need it. And give thanks with a grateful heart because each day is a new day, and what we do today, matters most 💜
Wishing you an abundance of self-love,