Kia ora friends!
Boom... it's 2019...
I hope you've all had a gentle loved up beginning to this new year. I had a big energetic crash after Christmas... I was exhausted and it all caught up with me. But thankfully now I'm back in full force and super excited about this new year, new chapter. Everything feels extra magical and I have good feels about this year ahead.
I've got lots happening over the next few months with music and workshops. This Sunday, Singing Mantra and Sound Journey in Mangawhai with my phenomenal sistar Julie Cunningham. Then at the end of this month I fly down to Nelson and my two week adventure begins with my sweet babe and my dear friend Jules. We are heading to Luminate where I'll be sharing my self love workshop and music. Then off to Anahata Sound Yoga Retreat and Bhakti Fest to do the same! On the 10th February Matiu, Jules and I will be sharing our Loving Vibes in Nelson. At the end of Feb I fly to Queenstown for a girls long weekend with my beautiful 14 year old daughter Skyla, and little Squeaks. I'll be sharing my singing Mantra at Biophilia Fest there which I'm reaaallly looking forward to!
At the end of March Me and Squeaks are off to Bali for two weeks to enjoy and co-create at Bali Spirit Festival. Then Jules, Matiu and I are hosting our six day retreat in a mansion just outside of Ubud. Ahhh bliss. Lots to look forward to!! I love sharing these adventures with my wee babe and friends.
This blog is based on my experience in intimate relationships, and my realisation as to why they didn't work out the way 'I' had them planned (laughing!).
Potential in a Relationship
Since my divorce 4 years ago (I was married most of my adult life) I’ve managed to fall in love twice, both times with men that were unavailable (to me at least). Being single, as I’ve learned, is different from being available. It’s not something I recognised initially and I don’t think it’s an intentional pattern of mine, but either way, that’s how it panned out.
The thing is, I feel like I’m a fool when it comes to love. I thought that maybe I was naive! How could I be so blind during these loved up times? Well, I think now I know the answer. I fell in love with the potential of a beautiful relationship together.
Potential. It’s so clear to me now that I was in love both times with our ‘potential’ together. Of course I loved both of these men dearly, but the reality was, I was holding out hope for what could be, instead of acknowledging what was.
Why do we fall in love with the potential of a person or relationship? I wish I could of had this realisation so much sooner. I was in love with my story of our potential together. I still see and understand the stories I had assembled. Unfortunately unless both parties are carrying the same vision together, it just doesn’t work, no matter how much potential you have together in your wee fairytale! You can’t expect someone else to play a role that you’ve written for them in your life when they’re quite comfortable playing their own role in their own life!
We aren’t in control of other people. Who are we to interfere with someone else’s choices? We’re delusional to think we even can! Fear urges us to control people and situations, love allows and accepts what is.
We get into relationships with people and stay in relationships with people based on the potential of what could be ~ not what is. We hold out for the ‘one day when’. We are holding out for a fantasy, our very own illusion. It’s not real and it’s not what is on offer. In my two examples, I was holding out for commitment in both relationships, I wanted them to ‘Choose me’ the way I had chosen them, but it was never going to happen in either. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Lesson has been learnt now (ok universe ~ different lesson now please!! And if you don’t mind.... please send me an available man that will choose me back next time!).
The potential of a relationship shouldn’t play a part in our choices to be with someone. If we love someone exactly as they are, and if they never changed one bit we’d still be madly in love with them ~ then it’s a winner. But if there’s things about one another or your circumstances that need to ‘change’ to make the other happy in the relationship or for it to work long term ~ then you are in love with the potential of your relationship. Which is actually unfair.
It’s unfair on both of you, because I believe that there are people out there that will loveyou exactly as you are in this very moment ~ and not need you to change one bit to make them happy in the relationship and visa versa. Obviously the visa versa bit is key!! It hurts both of you to be in a relationship where one or both of you need to ‘change things’ in order to be happy together. It causes resentment. It can inflict low self-esteem amongst other damaging emotional stuff that gets filed away inside, especially if your needs by the other person can’t be met. The most important thing is that you love each other (and yourself) as you are, and if you love yourself exactly as you are, then someone else will too.
There’s also those of us that fall in love with ‘saving’ another person. We see the beauty in them, and we see their potential once they have been ‘saved’. And the idea of saving someone, unconsciously or consciously, is an attractive one. But an unhealthy one. I understand this experience too. Once they are saved they’ll be perfect and we’ll live happily ever after..... This isn’t the best ingredients for a beautiful relationship now! Love them now without the need to change them or yourself, or not at all.
And I want to say, on a side note - very seriously, if you are in a toxic relationship, an abusive relationship (emotional or physical), there is no other choice but to leave. Leave now, don’t wait ‘until when’. Do whatever you need to do to get out. Seek help, sleep on a friends couch, go to a shelter, just get out. I’ve witnessed two people close to me in abusive relationships. One left (she actually escaped to my house one night with her kids before finding somewhere permanent). The other stayed in her situation and she died. I begged her to leave years before, but it was her choice to stay, and it ripped my heart out watching her toxic life kill her. She escaped in her own way, but it was the most tragic way. Toxicity literally kills people. She could still be here if she had made the choice to leave when she had the chance. It’s your choice, no one can make it for you - but know that no matter how hard it seems, it’s possible, and it’s worth it. I’ve never met a single person that has left a toxic relationship that regrets leaving- they only wish they’d done it sooner. We live in a society, a country where your choice to leave will be supported. You can’t love yourself and stay, find a way to love yourself enough to leave. Nothing else matters, leave.
The thing is, that ‘potential’ relationship you desire, isn’t the one that you hold out hope for ~ it’s one that you step into, it’s one that already ticks the boxes for you. Let’s face it, we want what we want! And that’s natural, it’s instinctive, to already have a picture of what is important to us in an intimate relationship. This differs for everyone (and our needs change as we learn life’s lessons) so unless we are on the same page - we could very well be holding out for the potential that never eventuates.
The problem with holding onto the potential in a relationship, is that we aren’t really in love with the person unconditionally, we are in love with their potential or our potential together. Self love is essential before stepping into a relationship so we can show up offering exactly what we are and where we are at. Because it’s easy to mould ourselves into what the other person wants us to be, to feel loved (at least for a while). But what we really need and desire in a relationship, is to see and love one another exactly as we are already. And it takes courage to be your unapologetic self in front of someone that you want to share your love with. To be naked on all levels. It’s about supporting one another as we journey through life on our own paths - not trying to make the other person walk our path when they have their own to embrace. And when it happens.... well it’s magical. It’s true love ~ not potential love.
We are each responsible for our own happiness. This means making mindful choices to support that happiness. This means checking in and evaluating our relationships too.
Do you love and accept your partner exactly as they are in this moment? If they never changed in any way, could you be happy with them long term?
This could be a question you need to sit with for a few days. Of course we all change, everything changes! But we don’t have control over those changes and we can’t foresee what they will be. All we have is now, this very moment to make choices that serve us. We don’t want someone to fall in love with what we could be, we want them to fall in love with us exactly as we are, so we need to reflect that for them also.
I love the quote by Buddha:
In the end only three things matter: How much you loved
How gently you lived
And how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you
I realise we learn and grow from every relationship, the intimate kind often being some of the biggest and sometimes harshest teachers. Every single one we’ve had has helped pave our journey. I certainly have no regrets ~ of the magic or misery!! In this blog though I’m talking about a soul mate relationship. The one we are in for not just a good time, but a long time (however long that may be). Life is precious. I think it’s important to acknowledge when a chapter has ended. When what we were meant to learn, give and receive has been absorbed. When a new chapter, is just waiting to be written (and of course this could be with the person you are currently with).
Often we stay in our circumstances out of fear of change, the unknown, the thought that maybe this is it for us. Fear is an illusion. Only love is real. Maybe your current relationship just needs a new surge of love. Maybe it’s exactly as it’s meant to be, or maybe it’s not. I don’t know the answer ~ you do.
So I guess in summary, the ‘potential’ of the person or the relationship isn’t what is on offer to us. What is on offer, is ‘what is’ in this very moment.
If nothing ever changed, would you choose this relationship? If not, what would you choose?
Because that’s the relationship you could be enjoying - the one where you can love one another exactly as you both are in this moment. Love yourself first, exactly as you are. That love will magnetise the person that will love you as you are. If you can reflect that same unconditional love and acceptance back to them ~ Ta-dah! Match made in heaven ~
I’m wishing us all extraordinary ridiculously delicious love!!
Blessings on your loved up journey friends x